


Healing Wounds

by 4thofFive



Series: Regrets [3]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-04 08:34:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1772611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4thofFive/pseuds/4thofFive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The healing process begins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Healing Wounds

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly dialogue. I hope that doesn't disappoint anyone.

Steve looked up from the papers littering his desk and felt his heart skip a beat as Danny walked into the 5-0 offices with his laptop under one arm and carrying a cup of coffee. Steve’s eyes tracked the smaller man as he walked over to the computer table to greet Chin and Kono. 

It was so strange to not arrive at work with Danny and not be able to touch him whenever he pleased. The detective had moved out of their home two weeks ago just after finding out Steve had cheated on him during a mission with the Navy. The two had started couples counseling and individual counseling and Steve had hoped that might be enough to convince Danny to come home but it wasn’t. The Commander knew he’d been foolish to hope that Danny would give in so easily but he missed his boyfriend and their life together and he just wanted all of this to be over and done with.

Steve blinked rapidly with an unexpected surge of emotion as Danny turned towards him. The smaller man gazed at him sadly for a moment then raised a tentative hand in greeting, a small smile flickering over his face. Steve returned the other man’s smile and quickly dropped his eyes back to his paperwork.

The two men had made every effort to be civil and professional with one another at work and not let their problems affect their 5-0 team members. Kono and Chin knew they were having problems but Danny and Steve had managed to continue working together and – at least professionally – were still partners. It was vital to both of them that they could prove they could work together and do the job no matter what was happening in their private life.

Steve let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. He didn’t know what he’d do if he lost Danny forever. The blond detective had added so much to his life and Steve dreaded going back to the buttoned-up, hard-edged man he’d been before Grace and Danny invaded his world.

*********

“My father was a hero.”

“You’ve said that before. What, in your mind, made him a hero?”

“Well, he was a cop.”

“And are all cops heroes?”

“Well…yeah I think so. Not many people could handle that job.”

“But they don’t all do heroic things do they? Would it be more accurate to say that people who become police officers are admirable rather than heroes?”

“What difference does it make?”

“I’m just trying to get to the root of your feelings about your father.”

“I loved my father.”

“Alright.”

“He was a fine person. He helped a lot of people.”

“Was he a good father?”

“Yes, I mean…I think so. He did his best. He worked a lot and wasn’t around as much as I’m sure he’d like to have been.”

“You’ve told me several times that you think Danny is an amazing father. Does he remind you of your own father?”

“You can’t really compare the two. Danny is dedicated to his daughter. She’s the centre of his life. He makes it clear that she comes first and he jumps at any chance to spend time with her. When he’s with her he’s totally focused on her. He listens and explains things to her. He never lies to her.”

“And how was your father different from that?”

“Well I…I’m sure my father would have liked to have been like Danny but, you know, he was caught up in this investigation…”

“Did he spend time with you?”

“He did when we were little but…as I said this investigation really took so much of his time and…look he made sure we were fed and clothed and safe. He did the best he could.”

“When he got home from work did he spend time with you?”

“Well, yeah, I guess…sometimes. He’d often get home really late and usually Mary and I were in bed.”

“He must have been under a lot of stress, how did he unwind?”

“Umm…I’m not sure exactly.”

“Did he swim or run like you usually do?”

“No, not very much.”

“Did he hang out with his buddies or watch TV or….”

“Look what does any of this matter? I was a teenager I didn’t exactly want to spend a lot of time watching my father veg out.”

“OK that’s fair. Let’s talk about your mother then. She must have had a lot of weight on her shoulders with your father working so much and having to raise two children and go to her own job.”

“Yes, I think she did but she always seemed happy. I never heard her complain. She’d always defend my father to us.”

“Why did she feel the need to defend your father to you?”

“I just meant if we ever complained about him missing a school event or something, she always defended him telling us how important his work was.”

“I’m curious Steve, with Grace in your life you’ve become her de facto second father. Can you see yourself raising her the way your father raised you?”

“N-no, not exactly. I mean sometimes we have to miss school events because of our work but Danny and I try to make it up to her later. We talk to her on the phone a lot when she’s not with us and we plan our weekends around her. We love Grace. I love Grace.”

“Did your father love you?”

“What the fuck! Why are you asking these stupid questions? I loved him. He was a great man. I was proud to be his son.”

“I asked if he loved you.”

“Yes of course he did. Maybe he didn’t show it very much, maybe he wasn’t a great father like Danny but he tried his best and he meant well.”

“Steve, we’re almost out of time but to prepare for our next appointment, I want you to talk to your sister and ask for her thoughts and memories of your father.”

“Why? She’ll just bitch about him like she always does.”

“I’d just like you to compare some of your memories with hers and see where they differ. It might be instructive.”

“Whatever. I’m not thrilled with all this discussion about my father. I think you’re trying to make him look like a bad guy.”

“I’m really not Steve but in order to help you I need to understand what kind of life you led as a child and how that might influence some of your recent behaviour.”

 

**********

Steve smiled indulgently as Grace ate her grape-flavoured shave ice with gusto. Danny had allowed him to pick up the little girl after school and spend some time with her before bringing her to Danny’s rented house in the early evening. On occasion the three went out to dinner together but the time they spent together was so awkward and uncomfortable that it was easier for each of them to spend time with the child separately.

“Grape is my favourite flavour,” announced Grace decidedly as she spooned up the last of the frozen treat and put it in her mouth with a happy sigh. Steve grinned as he found a napkin and wiped the purple stains off her face.

“If you like it so much you should eat it instead of wearing it.”

“Very funny Uncle Steve,” Grace replied rolling her eyes but smiling at him happily. “It’s hard to eat this and not get it on your face.”

Steve nodded seriously and used a bit of the water in his glass to clean her face properly.

“I know it is sweetie. Even Danno still…” Steve stopped speaking abruptly and turned away from the child giving an inordinate amount of attention to disposing of the paper napkin.

Grace examined the tall man quietly with the kind of penetrating gaze Danny used on suspects when he interrogated them.

“Uncle Steve? Are Danno and I ever going to live with you again?”

Steve swallowed heavily and turned back to look at Grace, a forced smile on his face.

“I hope so baby. I think we both really want that but Danno and I have to work out a few things first.”

“Did you have a fight?”

Steve nodded slowly.

“Yes, sort of. We have a problem and we need the help of professionals to deal with it. I’m hoping these people will help us find the solution to our problem and we’ll all be together again.”

Grace stuck out her bottom lip and her eyebrows furrowed in annoyance.

“I’m mad at Danno,” the little girl finally announced tightly.

Steve slid closer to the child and wrapped an arm around her pulling her tight to his side.

“Why Gracie?”

“You love Danno and you make him happy. He shouldn’t have got so mad at you that he moved out of your house. He should have stayed and tried to fix the problem.”

Steve blew out a deep breath and rubbed his hand up and down Grace’s arm.

“Sweetie, you shouldn’t be mad at Danno. Our fight, the problem we have, it’s serious and it’s my fault. I did something I shouldn’t have…”

Steve saw the little girl open her mouth to ask questions but he put up a warning finger to stop her.

“The problem is between Danno and me. It’s private but you need to know that Danno isn’t responsible for what’s happening between us – I am. But Danno and I still love each other and still want to be together.”

Grace’s eyes suddenly filled with tears and she shifted on the bench and pressed her forehead to Steve’s chest.

“What if you can’t fix it Uncle Steve?” she asked quietly, her voice wobbling. “What if we can never be a family again?”

 

**********

“Why are you so upset today Steve?”

“Who says I’m upset?”

“Well you’ve barely spoken except to grunt one word answers to my questions and if your arms were folded any tighter I think you’d cut off the circulation to your hands.”

“I’m fine.”

“Steve, when you first started seeing me we made a deal that saying “I’m fine” would not be an acceptable response to my questions. Now please, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I…I did what you said. I called Mary and asked her about her memories of Dad.”

“I see. And what did she say?”

“A bunch of total bullshit, that’s what she said.”

“What sort of bullshit?”

“Oh she was making all these wild claims like Dad drank too much and Mom was unhappy and she heard the two of them fighting sometimes at night. She said she got up one night and Dad was passed out on the couch with beer bottles and a whiskey bottle lying all around him.”

“But you don’t believe her memories are accurate?”

“Mary is two years younger than me. How the fuck can she remember these things and I can’t?”

“Do you think she’s lying?”

“No of course not I…I just think maybe she’s imagining things or, I don’t know, she and Dad weren’t very close. Maybe she just wants to paint him as a bad guy to make up for the guilt of drifting away from him before he died.”

“Did you tell Mary you thought her memories were incorrect?”

“Yeah, I told her I didn’t remember any of that and I thought she was demonizing Dad. I told her Dad was a hero and she should be more respectful of his memory.”

“How did she respond to that?”

“She told me I only remembered the things I wanted to remember about Dad. She said I put him on a pedestal and I refused to see him as the flawed, troubled person he was.”

“Is it possible Mary saw things you didn’t see?”

“I don’t know, maybe. But if dad drank too much how come I never noticed?”

“Maybe your mother covered up for him.”

“Covered up? What do you mean, like hiding the bottles and putting him to bed, that sort of thing?”

“It’s possible.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Maybe you should try to answer that question.”

“If she did it…maybe she was afraid that I would be disappointed in him, that I would lose respect for him?”

“Perhaps she was afraid it would hurt you to see your father in that condition.”

“So you’re saying all of my memories of my father are wrong?”

“No, but it’s possible that this investigation that so consumed him in the last years before your mother died and you were sent away, caused him to rely more heavily on alcohol and began to cause problems in your parent’s marriage.”

“If that were true why wouldn’t I see that? My mother couldn’t cover it that completely.”

“What do you think?”

“I think you’re wrong that’s what I think.”

“Steve you told me early in our talks that you tried to be the man of the house when your father wasn’t around. You tried to take the pressure off your mother by looking after Mary and running errands and taking care of things around the house. Why did you feel the need to do that?”

“Because I’m the oldest and it was my job to step up and take charge when my mother needed me. It was my responsibility to lighten the emotional load for my parents.”

“But you were a young teenager. Isn’t that a lot to ask of a teenager?”

“No. It was my duty to take care of things; to look after my mother and sister.”

“Surely that was your father’s responsibility.”

“No. Yes. I mean sure it was but he couldn’t. He was too busy; too overwhelmed.”

“It seems rather odd that you say your father wasn’t having any problems and you reject your sister’s memories of the drinking and the fights between your parents and yet you acknowledge that you knew he was overwhelmed and you had to step in.”

“You’re twisting things.”

“In what way?”

“You just…you’re making it sound like I’m repressing memories or something.”

“Is that possible?”

“NO! No. I don’t like this. I don’t like the way you twist my words to make is sound like my father was an asshole. He was a good man – a heroic man. I was proud to be his son.”

“I can’t help wondering why you keep referring to your father as a hero. Had he done something heroic in the line of duty?”

“I’m sure he did. I’m sure he did a lot of heroic things.”

“Is being heroic important?”

“Yes absolutely.”

“Why?”

“Because heroes enter situations no one else would dream of entering. They help people. They save lives. They make the world a better place. We depend on heroes. We need them. They don’t let us down.”

“That seems like a heavy mantel for someone to bear.”

“It is sometimes but people have to do what’s right. Heroic people aren’t failures. They aren’t weak. They see problems and they fix them. They have to fix them. They have to make things right.”

“So maybe if your father was a hero in your mind, that helps you explain his actions or at least it explain the way you chose to view his actions because heroes can’t let us down.”

**********

Steve handed the ice cold bottle of beer to Chin and tipped his head towards the door to the lanai.

“Let’s sit outside and talk.”

The Hawaiian detective nodded and followed his young boss out onto the lanai. He had to admit he was a bit apprehensive about why he was at his friend’s house late on a Thursday night. He and Steve had spent the odd evening on Steve’s beach having a few beers and just shooting the shit but tonight was different. When the SEAL called and asked him to come over, Chin knew something was up. Steve’s voice had been low and tight when he called and Chin was afraid that the strain Steve had been under since his problems began with Danny had become too much and maybe the Commander was about to tell him that he’d decided to cut his losses and return full-time to the Navy.

The two men sat quietly on the lanai both gazing out to the ocean, neither seeming to want to start the conversation. Finally Steve cleared his throat and shifted slightly in his deck chair to look over at Chin.

“Chin ummm, I need to talk to you…or maybe I need you to talk to me I’m not sure which.”

The Hawaiian detective cocked one eyebrow in confusion.

“O-kay.”

“Look, I need you to tell me about my Dad.”

Now Chin was really confused.

“You need me to tell you about your Dad? What could I tell you that you don’t already know?”

“You were his last partner. You saw sides of him I never saw because I was a teenager – a child. I think I’ve been…I think I haven’t been seeing him clearly and I need you to help me.”

“Steve your father was a good man…”

“I know he was Chin, I don’t doubt that. But I think I’ve…well Mary says I’ve put him on a pedestal and I need to take him off. I need to see him clearly.”

Chin sighed and put down his beer bottle to rub his hands over his face. This was not going to go well. He dropped his hands to his lap and forced himself to meet Steve’s eyes.

“What do you want me to tell you?”

Steve sat forward in his chair clasping his hands tightly on his knees and momentarily dropped his gaze to the floor of the lanai. Chin could see he was struggling to ask his first question and his heart went out to the younger man. Finally the Commander looked up.

“Was dad an alcoholic?”

Chin licked his lips nervously. Steve had always idolized his father and the Hawaiian detective didn’t want to do or say anything to break the younger man’s heart.

Steve saw Chin’s hesitation.

“Chin, I know this might be difficult for you but I need to know. I need to see things clearly. I loved my father and that won’t change but I need to know who he really was.”

Chin nodded and took a deep breath.

“Well…I’m no expert on these things so I don’t know if your father was an alcoholic but I think he did have a problem with drinking.”

Steve seemed to deflate slightly and sat back in his chair, his eyes not leaving Chin’s face.

“You saw this?” Steve asked tentatively.

“We used to go out for drinks after work sometimes and he would, it was like he didn’t know when to stop. Sometimes he’d try and get in his car afterwards and I’d have to wrestle him into a cab.”

Steve closed his eyes and took several deep breaths through his nose.

“Did his…did the drinking ever affect his work?” the Commander asked quietly.

“Your dad was a great cop but…in the last few years, even before your mother died, he would sometimes come in to work hung over or still smelling of alcohol.”

Steve opened his eyes again and looked over at his friend.

“And no one said anything? He never got in trouble?”

Chin shrugged slightly.

“The captain and your dad were friends. When your dad seemed under the weather the captain let him sleep it off on his office couch. He never wanted to do anything to hurt your dad’s career.”

“Jesus,” Steve sighed as he sank further back into the chair. The two men sat quietly again and let the sound of the ocean waves wash over them for a moment.

“Was he really a good cop or are you just saying that?” Steve asked flatly.

“He was Steve. He was a good investigator and he was dedicated to his work. He helped make me the cop I am today. In his last few years he became a bit too obsessed with the Wo Fat investigation – what I now know was the Wo Fat investigation – and that made him drop the ball at work a few times but he was a good cop and he made a difference to the people of Honolulu.”

Steve swallowed heavily and felt his eyes burn with unshed tears. He shifted his gaze to the ocean so that Chin couldn’t see how this new information was affecting him.

“Was he…” Steve’s voice cracked and he cleared it loudly. “Was he a hero?”

Chin sat quietly for a moment gazing at his distraught friend. Finally he stood up and dragged his chair closer to Steve so the two men could sit facing each other, their knees touching. Chin reached out and put his hands on Steve’s forearms and squeezed them.

“I’m sorry brah I think the idea of heroism is overblown. In this day and age sports stars are considered heroes. Actors are considered heroes. To me a man who does his best, who tries to be the best person he can be, who takes care of his family, that’s a hero and by that measure then yes, your dad was a hero.”

“But he didn’t though,” Steve snapped feeling anger boiling in his gut. “He didn’t take care of his family. He got obsessed with this goddamned investigation and he ignored us and he left my mother to carry the burden and he may have gotten my mother killed.”

Steve wrenched his arms away from Chin’s hands and folded them tightly on his chest. He tightened his jaw and blinked rapidly to keep the tears pooling in his eyes from streaming down his face. Chin sighed with an even mixture of sympathy and frustration.

“Steve, I’m not going to tell you how to feel about your father. I can only tell you my perceptions of him and my perception was that he was a good man trying to do the right thing. Did he let his family down the last few years before your mother died? Yes he did. But I think he truly believed that he had to continue his investigation at all costs to protect you and your mother and sister. You McGarrett’s are a stubborn people and it can be hard to talk sense to you sometimes.”

Steve looked back at Chin, his face now pale and drawn.

“And I’m just like him,” he whispered, his voice sounding defeated.

Chin tipped his head from one side to the other as he considered the words.

“You are like him in many ways – you’re smart and driven and brave. But I also think you’re more sensitive than he was, despite your desire to hide that, and I think you understand the value of family more than he did. I can’t see you ever doing anything to hurt your family.”

Steve’s bottom lip quivered as he covered his eyes with one hand.

“But I did Chin, I destroyed my family. I destroyed my happiness, just like my old man destroyed his,” he whispered hoarsely.

Chin shook his head rapidly and wrapped his hand around the younger man’s forearm and pulled Steve’s hand away from his now wet eyes forcing his friend to meet his gaze

“No, Steve, no you didn’t. I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Danny but I know you can fix it. I know you both love each other enough to fix it.”

**********

“I really don’t see what this has all been in aid of. I mean thanks to you I now know my old man was just an average guy with a lot of problems and wasn’t the hero I always made him out to be. OK yes, maybe it’s better to see things as they really were, not as how I imagined them, but that still doesn’t answer the question about why I cheated on Danny and what the fuck I can do to get my family back.”

“Have you had any more thoughts on that, about why you slept with that woman?”

“It’s hard not to think about it. I wish I could go back in time and fix it but I can’t and I don’t know how to convince Danny it won’t happen again.”

“Are you certain it won’t happen again?”

“What kind of a…yes I’m certain it won’t happen again! If Danny takes me back I’m not going to do anything more to fuck up this relationship.”

“Even though you may find yourself in the exact same circumstances again?”

“Well I’ll…I’ll leave the Navy if I have to.”

“What about 5-0? Aren’t you likely to face equally emotional circumstances in 5-0?”

“Look I don’t know what you want from me. Instead of peppering me with stupid questions, why don’t you help me try to figure out why I did what I did?”

“Maybe because deep down I think you know.”

“You’re wrong. I don’t know. I love Danny. I don’t want anyone else but him. I don’t know why I screwed around on him.”

“Steve let’s try to approach this from another angle. Let’s pretend you’re a writer and you’re creating this exact scenario for a book.”

“I’m not very good at pretending.”

“Let’s just try it and see where it goes. So you have this character, we’ll call him Mike. He’s a young man who grew up in Hawaii with his father, a cop, and his mother, an accountant and his little sister. For some reason, around the time Mike becomes a teenager, his father, who Mike had always adored, becomes distant and withdrawn from the family. Mike hardly sees his father anymore and his father stops doing things with him. How does Mike feel about this?”

“This is stupid.”

“Just try it. You’re the writer. You have to understand your characters. How does Mike feel about what happens with his father?”

“I don’t know he’s…hurt.”

“Anything else?”

“He’s angry and maybe he feels rejected. Maybe he thinks his father is mad at him or…”

“Disappointed in him?”

“I guess.”

“OK so the story continues. Mike’s mother is tragically killed in a car accident and suddenly Mike’s father tells Mike and his sister that he’s sending them away from Hawaii and he won’t tell them why. How would Mike react to this?”

“He’s pissed off obviously. And…maybe a little scared too.”

“Do you think Mike would feel like he’d failed somehow?”

“I don’t know…why should he?”

“Mike has always tried to look after his mom and sister and now his mom is dead and his sister is being sent away. Maybe Mike was ready to carry on and continue to look after his family but then his father told him he had to leave.”

“He could have handled things. He could have continued to take care of his family if his Dad had given him a chance.”

“I know he could have. Let’s keep going. At 18 Mike is accepted in Annapolis, a rare privilege granted only to the very top applicants. Is Mike proud of himself?”

“Yes, of course, proud and excited. He just wishes…he wishes his Mom were alive to see his accomplishment.”

“Is Mike’s Dad proud?”

“Yeah, he says he is.”

“Does Mike feel that pride?”

“I don’t know, maybe. Maybe not as much as he needed to.”

“So Mike makes it through Annapolis with flying colours; graduates at the top of his class. Then he starts what sounds like a remarkable career with the Navy – Naval Intelligence, the SEALs – Mike’s father must have been over the moon.”

“He doesn’t…he didn’t talk to his father very much. When they spoke on the phone they talked for about five minutes and it was always uncomfortable. After a while it was just easier not to phone as much.”

“Tell me about Mike as a naval officer. What makes him tick do you think?”

“Duty. Serving his country. Being the best of the best. Obeying orders and leading his men.”

“How is Mike the naval officer changed from Mike the 16-year-old who left Hawaii?”

“Well he grew up obviously, he’s more mature.”

“What else. How is his personality different from teenaged Mike?”

“He’s…tougher and stronger. He knows right from wrong clearly. He sees his duty and he does it. He doesn’t let anything stop him.”

“When naval officer Mike looks back on his childhood how does he feel about it?”

“He doesn’t look back he looks forward. He has a job to do, men who depend on him; a country that depends on him. He has to keep focused, keep pushing through. All those silly teenaged emotions and angst get put aside. He hasn’t got time for feeling sorry for himself.”

“Sounds like adult Mike is a pretty tough customer.”

“He has to be. He’s leading men into dangerous situations. He needs to be tough; to keep his feelings and emotions in check. One moment of doubt or indecision by him could cost his men their lives.”

“Yes, that makes sense. But now let’s move forward in the story a bit. Mike’s father is brutally murdered and Mike is sent back to Hawaii. At first he planned to stay just long enough to solve his father’s murder and get back to his duty with the Navy but out of the blue he becomes the head of a police task force. How did Mike handle that change?”

“He’s fine. Everything’s fine. He’s used to leading men; to being in charge. It’s nothing he can’t handle.”

“But Mike must find leading SEAL’s and leading cops quite different doesn’t he? I mean I’ve known quite a few cops and they don’t seem like the types to necessarily obey orders without question.”

“No, no they’re not, especially short, loud-mouthed ones from New Jersey. They ask questions, they challenge him but ultimately they follow him and they follow his orders. They’re the best team he’s ever led. And they…they make him better at the job.”

“How are Mike’s feelings about his team of police officers different from his feelings about his SEAL team?”

“He’s…they…the 5-0 team is more like family than just co-workers or team members. They’re ohana. They care about each other. He feels…cared about.”

“And then his relationship with one of his team member’s changes and they fall in love. And now he has not only a boyfriend but a child in his life. What does this mean to Mike?”

“It…It means everything. Everything he never thought he’d have.”

“Describe his feelings for me.”

“H-he’s…happy. For the first time in…forever.”

“Any other emotions?”

“I guess…contentment? Just kind of…fulfilled?”

“Good. So Mike has had three years of this: fulfillment, contentment, happiness. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing but it’s been pretty good.”

“It’s been amazing.”

“Then suddenly the Navy calls and Mike is reactivated to active duty and sent away on a mission. Tell me how he felt.”

“It’s his duty. He’s in the reserves. He made a commitment.”

“I understand all that Steve but I want you to tell me how Mike felt about suddenly having to be sent away.”

“I don’t know…I’d like to stop now.”

“No Steve this is important. We still have time and I want us to push through this.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I had to go. I made a promise to my country. I had to do my duty no matter what it cost me or how I felt about it.”

“But how did you feel? I understand you had a duty and you carried out that duty but you must have had some feelings about leaving your home and your new family. What were they?”

“God this is…I was unhappy ok? I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave my friends and family ok? Is that what you want to hear?”

“Were you afraid?”

“No! I mean not afraid exactly – anxious, apprehensive. That’s normal.”

“Would you say you were more apprehensive than you would have been say three years ago before you returned to Hawaii?”

“I guess.”

“Why? What was different about the Steve McGarrett of three years ago and the Steve McGarrett who went on that mission four months ago?”

“He…I…I have more to lose now.”

“But are you different now?”

“I don’t know. I suppose.”

“Well the way you described yourself – or Mike – before you returned to Hawaii you had your emotions under strict control; locked down. Are you the same?”

“I’m perfectly capable of controlling my emotions.”

“I’m sure you are but are you the same man you were even three years ago? You’ve found love and a family – even a daughter. That must have brought some changes.”

“Yeah I guess it has changed me a bit. I mean, when you’re with a kid you can’t be all hard-edged and tough.”

“So, given these changes you go on to a mission you admit you were apprehensive about and leave a family you obviously adore and you suffer through a terrible experience – the death of a young man in your command; a young man not that much older than Grace.”

“I’ve lost men before.”

“Yes but on previous mission you admit yourself you were in strict control of your emotions, you were locked-down. This time maybe that wasn’t the case. Maybe your emotions are closer to the surface than they ever were before and when they bubbled to the top after the death of that young sailor, you didn’t know how to handle them.”

“So what are you saying? I’m too weak to lead missions now? I’m too much of a little girl to command men and do my duty?”

“No Steve I’m not saying that. What I am saying is that you’re a different man than you were three years ago and maybe you need to understand that and find new ways of dealing with your emotions, especially if you suffer another trauma like the death of that young sailor and none of your ohana is around to help you.”

“So…I had sex with Miranda as a way to deal with my emotions?”

“It’s possible.”

“Why didn’t I just call Danny like he keeps telling me I should have?”

“Why do you think?”

“I don’t know. I’ve told you already I don’t know.”

“Yes you do Steve. You need to figure this out or you’ll end up doing the same thing again.”

“Just…maybe I thought about calling him but I decided not to?”

“Why?”

“I think…maybe I was scared of how upset I was and maybe I didn’t want to worry him or I…didn’t want him to think I was weak, that I couldn’t handle myself anymore…fuck!”

“Take a few deep breaths Steve.”

“Jesus.”

“It’s ok. You’ve done very well.”

“How have I done well? How the fuck can you call this doing well? I’m turning into a fucking emotional basket case! How am I ever going to be a SEAL again not to mention lead 5-0?”

“Steve calm down. I’m not saying you can’t do any of those things and do them well. What I’m saying is you need to understand and accept that you’ve changed and you need to find different ways of dealing with your emotional upheavals. I think perhaps when your father got caught up in his mysterious investigation it brought up a lot of fears and emotions that he couldn’t handle and he couldn’t discuss with your mother so he dealt with them by drinking.”

“And I did the same thing in Mumbai.”

“Yes, but added to that was being thousands of miles from home and the temptation of a sympathetic old friend – one who is also in the Navy and who was available at that moment to give you the comfort you needed without any emotional consequences – or so you thought.”

“God I wish I’d gone back to the hotel. I wish I’d called Danny I…”

“But you didn’t Steve, so you’re going to have to accept that and carry on. “

“But how do I make sure this doesn’t happen again? I mean I feel in my gut that it won’t but how do I make sure?”

“You make sure of that by being aware that you’re a different man now and by allowing yourself to feel your emotions and by being willing to deal with them openly. You need to find healthy ways to work through them rather than reaching for a bottle and trying to drown them.”

“Yeah. OK… I get it.”

“You’re a lucky man Steve. Unlike your father, you have an opportunity to make amends to your family. You have the chance to make it right.”

“I’m not sure I know how to do that. How do I convince Danny that I will never do this again?”

“Steve I’m afraid the only way you can convince Danny you’ll never cheat on him again is by never cheating on him again.”

**********

Epilogue

 

“Is that the last of it?”

Danny turned and took one more look around the small house that Chin had allowed him to live in rent free then looked back at Steve and nodded.

“That’s everything.”

Steve gave his boyfriend a soft, fond smile.

“How did you manage to collect so much extra stuff in two months?”

Danny blushed and ducked his head.

“I never told you but, well since it looks like I’ll be staying in Hawaii forever, I decided to send for the extra stuff from Jersey that my parents were storing for me.”

Steve grinned happily and took a step closer to Danny leaving only inches between them. He had been walking on cloud nine since Danny agreed yesterday to move back in with him. Now, finding out that Danny intended to stay in Hawaii forever, only added to his joy.

The blond man looked up at him expectantly. The two had resumed their physical relationship several days ago but there was still a lingering tension. A diffidence that hadn’t been there before and it made Danny sad that this small wedge remained between them. He knew Steve was still nervous that Danny would change his mind and wouldn’t be able to forgive him as promised, and Danny realized it was he who would have to convince the SEAL that the slate had been wiped clean.

The detective stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and rested his head on the taller man’s chest and let out a happy sigh. He felt himself relax as his lover wrapped his long arms around him and tightened the embrace.

“I missed you babe,” Danny whispered hoarsely, his mind flickering back to the long nights spent alone in this small house wondering if he and Steve were finished forever.

“I missed you too baby,” Steve whispered, brushing his lips through Danny’s hair and kissing him on the top of his head. “I promise babe. I promise it will never…”

Danny lifted his face and pulled his right arm away from Steve to lay his fingers over the taller man’s lips.

“I know. You don’t have to keep saying it. I know.”

Steve looked down at him, his eyes brimming with love. When he thought about how close he’d come to losing Danny, to losing this…He smiled and Danny let his fingers drop away.

“I love you Danno.”

Danny smiled brightly but rolled his eyes.

“I love you too and don’t call me Danno.”

Rising to his tip-toes, Danny gave his lover a firm kiss on the lips before gently pulling out of the taller man’s embrace.

“Now make yourself useful and pick up those boxes. I want to get home in time for the game.”

“We could TiVo the game and find something else to do for those couple of hours,” Steve suggested, waggling his eyebrows as he lifted the boxes and carried them out the open door of the house and deposited them into the bed of his truck. Danny helped him shift them until they were firmly in place before reaching over to slap Steve lightly on the ass.

“We’ll see. Bribe me with beer and steak and maybe I can be convinced.”

Steve grinned as he climbed into the cab of his truck. He knew he’d won this battle


End file.
